Rugby isn't a matter of life or death...
A Welsh fan was watching a Six Nations game against Ireland in Dublin. In the packed stadium, there was only one empty seat - right next to him. Who does that seat belong to?" asked Dai from the row behind.
"I got the ticket for my wife," replied the fan.
"But why isn't she here?"
"I'm afraid she died in an accident."
"So you're keeping the seat vacant as a mark of respect," said Dai.
"No," said the fan, "I offered it to all of my friends."
"So why didn't they take it," asked a puzzled Dai.
"They've all gone to the funeral."
All Black for England
The All Blacks were playing England, and after the half-time whistle blew they found themselves ahead 50-0, Jonah Lomu getting eight tries. The rest of the team decided to head for the pub instead of playing the second half, leaving Jonah to go out on his own.
"No worries," Jonah told them, "I'll join you later and tell you what happened. "After the game Jonah headed for the pub where he told his team mates the final score - 95-3.
"What!!!!", said a furious Josh Kronfeld, "How did you let them get three points? "Jonah replied apologetically, "I was sent off with 20 minutes to go."
Rugby heaven
A rugby referee died and went to heaven. Stopped by St Peter at the gates he was told that only brave people who had performed heroic deeds and had the courage of their convictions could enter. If he could describe a situation in his life where he had shown these characteristics, he would be allowed in.
"Well," said the ref, "I was controlling a game between Wales and England in Cardiff. Wales were two points ahead with a minute to go. Ben Cohen made a break, passed inside to Martin Johnson. Johnson was driven on by his forwards, before he passed out to Lawrence Dallaglio who went over in the corner. But Dallaglio dropped the ball before he could ground it. As England were clearly the better side all game, I ruled that he had got it down and awarded the try."
"OK, that was fairly brave of you, but I will have to check it in the book," said Peter, before disappearing to look it up. When he came back he said: "Sorry, there's no record of this. Can you help me to trace it? When did all this happen?"
The ref looked at his watch and replied, "45 seconds ago."
Another Aussie
Once, a long time ago, there was a Wallaby tour of New Zealand. During their stay in Wellington, one of the players had a fairly torrid affair with a local lass. The team moved on, the girl stayed behind, and the whole thing was eventually forgotten about.
Four years later, the same player returns back to NZ with another Wallaby touring side. They are in Wellington, and who should he see walking down the street but his lover with a small child! He runs up to her and greets her, and asks if the child is his. "Yes", she says, "it is.". "But why didn't you tell me?" he asked plaintively. "Well" she said, "after I found out I was pregnant, I invited all the members of my family together for a discussion on the matter - my grandparents, my parents, my uncles, aunts and cousins. And we all came to the same conclusion: we would rather that it was a bastard than have a Wallaby for a father".
Bingham On Tour
The club president, coach, a prop and a wing are taking a charter flight to the National Finals when the engines cut out.
The pilot enters the passenger compartment and says, "We're going down. There's only four parachutes! Since I'm the pilot I'm taking one," and then jumps from the plane.
The coach says, "Without me the team won't have a chance, so I'm taking one," and he jumps out.
The winger says, "I'm the fastest and smartest man on the pitch and without me the team can't win a game, so I'm taking one," and he jumps out of the plane.
The club president looks at the prop and says, "You take the last parachute. The team needs you more than it needs me". The prop responds, "We both can take a parachute. The smartest man on the pitch just jumped out of the plane with my kit bag on his back."
Yet another Aussie
Traveling in a train were a Wallaby, an All Black, a spectacular looking blonde and an older lady. After several minutes of the trip, the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Wallaby had a big red slap mark on his cheek.
(1) The blonde thought - "That horrible Wallaby wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the lady, who in turn must have slapped his face."
(2) The older lady thought - "This dirty Wallaby laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him."
(3) The Wallaby thought - "That bloody All Black put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me."
(4) The All Black thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that stupid Wallaby again."
A Blue Christmas
The family of Auckland Blues Rugby supporters head out shopping one Saturday before Christmas.
While in a sport shop, the son picks up a Crusaders rugby jersey and says to his sister, "I've decided I'm going to be a Crusaders supporter and I'd like this jersey for Christmas!"
The sister is outraged at this, promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your mother."
Off goes the little lad, with Crusaders jersey in hand and finds his mother. "Mum," "Yes, son ?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Crusaders supporter and I'd like this jersey for Christmas."
The mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go talk to your father."
Off he goes with the Crusaders jersey in hand and finds his father. "Dad?" "Yes, son?" "I've decided I'm going to be a Crusaders supporter and I would like this jersey for Christmas."
The father is outraged at this, promptly whacks his son round the head and says, "No son of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!"
About half an hour later, they are all back in the car heading home. The father turns to the son and says, "Son, I hope you've learned an important lesson today?" The son turns to his father and says, "Yes, Father, I have." Father says, "Good son, and what is it?"
The son replies "I've only been a Crusaders supporter for an hour and already I hate you Auckland bastards!!!"
An Aussie Back
In 1983 3 kids were playing in the street in Sydney when they were hit by a train. They all go to heaven and God says to them, "You weren't supposed to die, you were all supposed to live out your lives. This was not your time. To make it up to you, I'll let you choose what you want to do with your life. Take a running jump off of that cloud over there, and as you're flying back down to Earth, shout out what you want to do. And so it shall be."
The 1st kid takes a running leap and shouts "Lawyer" and so, 20 years later, he is a very successful lawyer, making lots of money, with an upcoming appointment to the Bench.
The 2nd kid takes his turn and shouts "brain surgeon" and so, 20 years later, he is the most admired man in his field of medicine and making a ton of money saving lives.
The 3rd kid goes to take his turn, and as he runs he trips over his own feet and stumbles of the cloud muttering "stupid clumsy arse." 20 years later, he's playing the back line for the Wallabies.
Rugby World Cup 2003 - IRB Rugby World Cup 2003
Following complaints made to the IRB about the All Blacks being allowed to motivate themselves by performing the 'Haka' before their games, other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own.
The IRB Rugby World Cup 2003 Organising Committee has now agreed to the following pre-match displays:
1.. The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles before moaning about how they invented the game and gave it to the world, and how it's not fair that everyone still thinks New Zealand are the best team in the world.
2. The Scotland team will chant "You lookin' at me Jimmy?" before smashing an Iron Bru bottle over their opponents' heads.
3.. The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room.
4.. Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory, claim it as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and then be forcibly removed by the match stewards.
5.. Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other 13 whom they will imprison between the posts whilst they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves.
6.. The Americans will not attend until almost full time. In future years they will amend the records to show that they were in fact the most important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a film called 'Saving No.8 Lyle'.
7.. Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marseillaise and hold the rest of the team to ransom.
8.. The Italian team will arrive in Armani gear, sexually harass the female stewards and then run away.
9.. The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch, mow it and then claim that it was all in line with European "grass quotas". They will then curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time, when their appeal for compensation against the UK Government will be heard.
10.. The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering good salaries to the key opposition players and then run around the pitch at high speed in a highly efficient manner before buying the ground (with a subsidy from the UK Government).
11.. The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park lorries across the halfway line, let sheep loose in the opposition half (much to the delight of the WELSH) and burn the officials.
12.. The Australians will have a barbie before negotiating lucrative singing and TV contracts in the UK. They will then invite all their mates to come and live with them in Shepherds Bush."
13.. Unfortunately the Committee were unable to accept the Welsh suggestion following representations from the RSPCA.
